Sunday, September 29, 2013

Rory's First Beach Day

  I have to tell you that I had to nag my wife to take Rory to the beach for the first time.  Yes, I know.  He had just turned 6 weeks old but I want this boy to love the water from the get go.  I mean, I never had the chance to enjoy the ocean growing up.  I didn't even get to lay eyes on it until I was 19.  Since I've come to Florida and I live so close to it, I want Rory to enjoy every moment of it.  It's amazing to experience God's giant wave pool. 

 "But there's sharks!" my wife screams.

  And God created those lovely sharks too, and if he really wanted us to die by shark bite than that would be the way we would go.  And I will tell Rory all of this when he's older.  Right now he just stares at me.  He'd give the same reaction if an elephant walked into the room.  And yes, we are loving his exploratory stage.  He's just so funny, with his grunts and groans. 

"But he makes all these weird faces!" my wife screams.

 And so do you my dear wife, which anyone who has ever met you could testify to.  I myself am probably the normal one.  I would never do anything weird or make up strange songs to lull the baby into a sleepy stupor when he is crying unbearably.

  Anyway last weekend was Rory's first time to the beach, and I have to tell you this picture pretty much sums up the entire experience!

  Isn't he cute?  Oh that's what we thought until people started commenting on Facebook!    Now this picture has gotten more controversy than Miley Cyrus dancing around in nude hot pants at the Awards show!

The people:  Put sunscreen on that boy!  Don't you people know about sunscreen!?!?!?

The other people:  Oh.  He is so cute! 

The people:  Get him out of the sun!  How could you not be using your brain?!?!?!?

The other people:  So adorable.  He is precious!

 Truth be told, he was in the sun long enough for me to snap this picture.  It was too dark under his very jumbo sized umbrella that shaded, Kim, myself, Rory and Grammy Kay.  The only other time he was out in the sun was for the maybe ten minutes where we let him feel the ocean.  Kim and I are very pale people so I think we'd be idiots to not lather our son with 100spf!  As you can see his scalp is so lathered that his hair is stuck up in a Mohawk.

The people:  Oh okay, well fine then.  But I'm watching you new parents!

The other people:  He is just so freakin' adorable!

Uncle Jimmy and Aunt Kendra were along for the ride because they happened to be taking a vacation to Florida to see Rory in action.  It was so great to see them. 

(There also happened to be this skinny guy who kept losing his shorts and a super chesty girl {Kim noticed.. not me.}  who were trying to take an inflatable raft into the mildly choppy waves and got flipped over about a hundred times.  I swear if they had a reality show, I'd watch it.  They were hilarious!)

The proof is in the pudding.  Can't you seen the sunscreen gleaming? 

Rory's first wave!  He was shocked!!!  He was scared!  He cried!  (I think it had to do with his mommy holding him.)
"That's not fair!" my wife screams!

Rory's second wave and he is as content as a rooster in a henhouse.  Or maybe he feels safe with daddy...
"I like how you don't post the pictures of him screaming in your arms!!!!" my wife screams.
"But there aren't any of him screaming," I answer.

Needless to say.  We will be back.  Rory loved his afternoon!
The people:  You better have put sunscreen on him!!!!
The other people:  I just want to eat him up with a spoon.
Comic By Bitstrips!

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

The P Word

In the past week Rory has been a constipated mess.  He tries and tries!  He grunts and grunts!  He clenches and clenches.  He rips and roars!  And nothing comes out.  It makes him very frustrated.  We've tried baby massages, patting, stomach rubbing.  Let's face it.  He's just a gassy guy. 

After not being able to dislodge the log of distinction, he will finally release a full diaper full of mush that I try my best to pawn off on others.  I can't handle the explosion of smells.  Then the process starts again. 

He grunts and groans and rips and roars... and nothing.

In similar news Kim and I have been watching Walking Dead in order to prepare ourselves for Halloween Horror Nights at Universal Studios where Walking Dead is one of the Scare Houses this year.  (Which by the way Rory will not be attending in case some of you wondered.)

The sheriff walks through the abandoned town trying to figure out what's happened to the world.
 "Uggh," Rory groans.

The silence of the show is unnerving because you just know some zombie is going to come running out any second.

 "Ugggh," Rory grunts.

 A little zombie girl comes out onto the screen and chases after the sheriff. 

"Oh dear lord," Grammy Kay shrieks.
 "What you don't like zombie shows?" I ask.
  "Umm no," Grammy Kay answers.
 "Uggh!" Rory groans again.
  "You know Rory might as well just be on the show.  He sounds just like one of them."
  "He's just helping the zombiance," Kim says.
  "Oh, I like that.  It was very clever," I say.
   The sheriff lobs off the zombie girl head with a machete.

  "Ahhh!" Grammy Kay shrieks.
  "Umm," Kim says, "It's just a zombie.  It's not real."
  "I can't handle the gore!"
  "Neither could the Clinton administration," someone says.
  "I'm trying to desensitize myself, but I just can't do it.  It's so gross."
  "It's just zombies." 
  "Yeah, you used to work in surgery," I say, "You've seen tons of peoples insides.  It's not different than that."
   The sheriff pulls out a walkers intestines and swivels it around to see what it had been digesting lately. 

  "That is nothing like surgery," Grammy Kay says.  "But I have to say, I love the storyline."
  In the end, our little grunter does get his poo out and is a much happier little zombie.  (And yes, he was sleeping through the zombie show.  We don't let him watch such disturbing things.)

Your turn:  What do you do to stop constipation in infants?

Comic by Bitstrips

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Off to see the Wizard!

   Well, I guess we technically weren't off to see the actual wizard.  But we were off to taste the beautiful barbequed creations in the Cowboys Restaurant.  Kim, who is strictly vegetarian and would never dream of eating bacon bits in her green beans, or chicken stock in her French onion soup DETESTS Cowboys, but with Grammy Kay, her dad and stepmom, who will for the rest of this blog be referred to as Grandpop-o and Halmoni (the Korean name for grandma) who happen to be healthy carnivores overruled the singular vegetarian.  Oh, me?  Was I ecstatic?  Was I thrilled?   I will say I was pleased with the Grandparents' choices.  I quietly wished for Cowboys because who doesn't love their award winning pulled pork smashed into a baked potato with all the fixin's and topped with sweet Memphis barbeque sauce?  Some would say it's to die for!  But you know me.  I am always pleased with my wife's vegetarian options.  I mean, God created us with a few flat teeth after all.  Might as well use those to grind up some broccoli.  I digress, I am losing momentum and we must get on with the story.

Note from the wife: I do go to all kinds of non vegetarian places and have to creatively order things all to please my husband.  I also cook all kinds of meat for him.

  We walked up the yellow brick road towards the famous Barbeque City and once inside, we were in a state of euphoria.  (All except Grammy Kay because she forgot to wear her glasses, and poor Rory who was sadly constipated.)  There were rows and rows of barbeque sauces on shelves, cowboy hats with lights inside, and the smells of pulled pork and baby back ribs slow roasting in the back.  We'd all come for the same reason.  To fill ourselves until we were filled to the top.  (Except for Kim, who would probably only order a baked potato and eat a salad.)

  The waitress led us through the restaurant and sat us at the table in front of the giant alligator.  That thing was amazing!  I don't think it was real though, which is kind of disappointing because it is faulty advertising.  

  "Can I get your drink order?" the waitress asks.

  Halmoni sat squinting at the waitress.
  Grandpop-o smiled pleasantly. 
  Rory grunted.
  Grammy Kay nodded, then asked, "I can't see the menu, what drinks do you have?"

  "We have..." the waitress went off on a long spiel about all the different drinks choices.

  Halmoni sat squinting at the waitress.  She whispered to Grandpop-o  "I don't understand."
  Grandpop-o smiled pleasantly.  "Oh, was she talking?  I'm sorry miss.  You'll have to stand on the other side of me.  I can't hear anything out of my right ear."
  Rory grunted, followed by a raunchy rip.
  Grammy Kay nodded, "I can't see the menu.  It's so dark in here.  I guess I'll have a raspberry tea."

 The waitress couldn't help but smile.  "So you can't hear me, you can't see anything, and you can't understand me."

  Grammy Kay pointed at Kim and I, "It's their fault.  They waited too long to have kids."
  "But at least we did have a fantastic one.  And I think he pooped finally."
  "Oh good!" Grammy Kay clapped.
  "Oh no!  Don't talk about that stuff!  I can't handle it!" Grandpop-o says,
  "Well if he didn't I'm going to stick a Q-tip up there and stimulate," Kim says.
 "Gross!  No you aren't!" I say.
  "It's supposed to help!"
  "No one likes that!  You want me to do that to you?  It's disgusting!"
  "But everyone on youtube says that...."
  Before a war breaks out, Halmoni says.  "You know when my son was baby he only poop once every couple of days.  I was so scared!  The doctor tell me that it's just his routine and it's fine.  And now, he is 30 and he goes poop once a day!"
  The table bursts into laughter.  Even Kim cracks a smile. 

Comic By Bitstrips and MGM

  In case you wondered, the wizard never gave Grammy Kay 20/20 eyesight.  Grandpop-o still can't hear out of his right ear, Halmoni didn't ever figure out what the waitress in her southern drawl was saying, but Rory did finally get his poop without the Q-tip, thank you very much!  It was a win in the end.


Thursday, September 12, 2013

Grammy Crack!

  People say that when Grammy's meet their grandbabies for the first time they get giddy and extremely loving.  With my mom here for an extended period, the giddiness hasn't ended yet.  (Nor do I think it will.)  I prefer to call the long term giddiness, Grammy crack!  It's like my mom took a hit off of a giant Grammy Nip. 

  "OHHHH!  He's so strong. Ha, ha!  Hee-haw!" Grammy Kay shouts.  "Look at him move his head!  Babies aren't supposed to do that this young."
  "Yeah, he's been lifting his head up and tossing it around since day two," Kim says nonchalantly.
  "I can't believe it!  OH MY GOSH!  LOOK AT HIM SCOOT ALL THE WAY AROUND!  Hee hee!" Grammy Kay shout/chuckles again.  "HE MOVED ACROSS THE WHOLE MAT!"
  "Yes, he's gifted," I say.
  "HE IS BRILLIANT!" Grammy Kay says.  "All my friends say that you guys just posed that picture of him with his feet up at the hospital in the Bili-light.  No one believes he scooted down all the way by himself."

  "That was all him," I say, "And I'm still annoyed that the nurse didn't screw the blindfold over his head.  She assured me he wouldn't be able to take the blindfold off.  But you know my son.  He's very Houdini-esqe.  I thought he was going to go blind."
  "You caught it in time," Kim says.
  "Only because I was so worried I couldn't sleep properly without going to check on him every five seconds.  But don't worry, I'm over it."
  "Yep," Kim says.  "I know you are, but anyway Grammy Kay, the way he moved inside me, I thought he'd come out walking.  It doesn't surprise me at all."
  "That's my Pumpkin Snootz." Grammy Kay smiles with glee.
  "What?" I ask.  "Pumpkin Snootz?"
  "You know me.  I make up names.  Anyway, I was talking to Barb and we just know he's going to be an Olympic somethin' or other!"
  "Oh?" I ask.  "An Olympic somethin' or other?  That's pretty specific, and now I want pumpkin coffee."

Kim goes into an explanation about how all babies usually develop one skillset earlier than others but did Grammy Kay hear this?  I think she was too busy laughing and I am not exaggerating when I say she stands up and laughs for a good minute for really no apparent reason.  

Grammy Kay spins in circles.  "He is so brilliant!  I can't believe it!  I just can't believe it!  He is so strong!  He is so smart!  He is so...."
 "...hopefully not going to get our crazy gene."

Comic by Bitstrips

Favorite Grammy Quotes:

  "You are calling the entry Grammy Crack!  People are going to think I'm on drugs.  There's a lot of Christians reading this!"  Grammy says.
  "Well that's good then.  The second greatest commandment is to love others.  At least you'll be loved through your addiction."  (even if its only being addicted to the cutest baby I know.)

Kim: I am texting my mom a picture of Rory everyday.  She loves it.
Grammy Kay:  Yeah!  You should have been doing that for me the whole time!!!
Josh:  You don't get text messages.
Grammy Kay:  Oh... I suppose.
Kim:  (laughter)

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Heavenly Sea Lion

  I'm not going to lie, Kim and I have always been kind of random and we find the strangest things to be funny.  This definitely hasn't changed as we have become new parents, but the things we laugh at seem to get stranger and stranger. 

  What used to be funny quotes from movies, has turned into the Don't Get Peed On game.   What once was Aaron Jack and Gina Jo breaking wind on pretty much every surface of our house has turned into Rory, Aaron Jack and Gina Jo breaking wind on pretty much every surface of our house.   What used to be laughing at Kim running into a wall and limping from her plantapirateflatitus has turned into laughing at her sniffing the baby's butt.  My jokes aren't as funny anymore when she can catch me checking Rory's diaper only to pull a finger back smeared with yellow poop. 
It may be the fact that nothing is funnier than when you are running on the fumes of a few hours sleep.  But, at least the lack of sleep has made us creative.  One morning at like 3am Kim and I were sitting there listening to Rory cry as we made up a bottle. 

  "Dear lord!  Does he stop crying?"
  "He's a baby," Kim says.
  "Yes, I know." 
  "ROARRRRR!" Rory whines.
  "What a drama king.  Does he really need to take his pitch up another octave?"
  "Here give him the bottle."
   I pull Rory into my lap and I give him his fill.

  "That's a good boy," I say.  I pull the bottle away from him so I can burp him. 
  He lets out a healthy burp. 
  "That was a good one," Kim says.
  "Meh, I'd give it a 6.  He's had a lot better ones."
  After another few drags on his bottle, I burp him again, and I swear the heavens open up and celestial sea lions trumpet down from above.  It is the loudest, most insane burp I'd ever heard.  I am not lying when I say that the burp lasted for a good minute.
  "Ummm, wow.  That one was a hard 10.  He's gassy, just like his daddy."
  "I don't think I've ever sounded like a freaking sea lion before, that must come from your side."
  "It's definitely your gassy side.  You and Rory have more gas than a petrol station."
  "Uh, Rory is a gas factory, and that's putting it nicely.  Just like his mommy."
  "You're calling me a gas factory?" she says and I can picture her eyes narrowing in the dark.
  "What was the question?" I say.
  "You know it only happens when I'm pregnant, so that doesn't count."
  "Yes.  Yes.  Of course, honey.  But do I need to bring up the duck?" I say.
  "Yep and this conversation is done."

  The Burp Scale game has become one of our favorite games, because who doesn't like to compare burps?  And baby farts are extremely funny.  Let's be truthful.  Although I may not admit this sentiment if I wasn't a new daddy.  It's like being a new parent gives you the right to be slightly immature and act like a kid again.  Hey, and we won't look like complete weirdo's if we show up to Chuckie Cheese's.  How do you beat that?

Comic by Bitstrips

Saturday, September 7, 2013

The Grammy Convention!

  For the past week we've had a house full of Grammies, since my mom flew in on Saturday.  I have to say it's been awesome.  It's so cool watching the Grammies fawn over Rory and try to meet his every need while mommy and daddy get a little caught up on sleep, bills, or just sleep. 

  The other day after a doctors appointment we were shopping at Baby's-R-Us and the Grammies were instantly pulled towards a 50% off rack of clothing and weren't able to break free of it's magnetic grasp until both of their hands were full of outfits.  It was a very scary time for a few minutes there.

  They also do so much around the house.  Grammy D (Kim's mom) has been with us since before Rory was born and I have to say our house has never been cleaner.  She does so much like sweeping the dog hair multiple times a day, cooks, does dishes, holds Rory a lot, loves changing diapers- which I am glad about.  Oh how we are going to miss her.  (Today is actually her last day.)

 But if you've spent any time in the world, you know that even the greatest things have their moments.  Here's a rainbow colored compilation of the EXTRA-helpful moments:

 Grammy Kay:  Oh you're not holding him right.
 Josh:  Mom.  Stop.

Kim: Mom, you don't have to pick him up every time he cries.  He needs to self sooth.
Grammy D:  Oh, it's okay. I got him.

Josh:  Oh, it's okay Rory.  Don't cry.
Grammy D:  You know you don't have to pick him up every time he cries.  He needs to learn to self sooth.

Grammy Kay:  His legs are getting cold.
Josh:  They are fine, mom.

Grammy Kay:  Oh that carrier strap is pushed right into his face.
Josh:  It's fine mom.

Grammy Kay:  He can't breathe!  He is going to be smothered.  (Rory's head is smooshed against my chest in the carrier.)
Kim:  No.  He nuzzles right into my boobs all the time.  That's how he likes it.
Josh:  But, I don't have boobs. 
Grammy D:  We will make you some fake ones.  Here's a blanket.

Kim:  There, there.  You are okay.  (Rory is in Kim's arms crying.)
Grammy D:  I GOT HIM!
Kim:  He's in my arms.  I got this.

Rory:  CRYING!
Kim:  Every time I get him settled he just wakes up again.
Grammy D:  Do you want me to just take him to bed with me?
Kim:  Ummm.
Grammy D:  Well, you can come too.

Josh:  There, there.  Just burp.  Just burp and you can have some more.
Grammy Kay:  Oh baby!  It's o-tay.  Grammy loves you!  (She is rubbing his back over where I'm burping.)
Josh:  Do you want to burp him?  (sarcasm)
Grammy Kay:  Sure.  (she scoops him away)

Grammy D:  Just pat him on the butt.  He will stop crying.
Josh:  Pat him on the butt?  That's kind of weird.
Grammy D:  All my kids liked it.
Josh:  Hmmm.  Okay.  (pats)
Grammy D:  See.  He stopped crying.

Rory:  CRYING!   
Josh: (looks at the alarm clock.  It's 6 a.m.)  Okay baby.  I'll get you up.  Let's get some food.
Kim: (rolls over in bed.)  Ughh.  What time is it? 
Josh: 6.
Grammies:  You're up! (they say both coming into the bedroom.)  We heard our baby crying.  (they scoop Rory up, and exit before we even know what's going on.)

Josh:  Mom.  Mom.  Mom!
Grammy Kay:  What?  Oh are you talking to me?
Josh:  I've been calling you for a minute. 
Grammy Kay:  Sorry.  I didn't hear you. 
Josh:  I called you both earlier to come get Rory too!  I thought you'd be rushing in like a pack of hyenas.
Grammy Kay:  I can't hear low tones anymore.  You'll have to make your pitch higher.
Josh:  What?
Grammy D:  Yep.  Yep.  Yep.  I can't hear low tones either.  I can never hear my son talking to me either.   Oh Gosh.  Please don't write about us in your blog.
Josh:  I think I will.
Grammy Kay:  Then you better let me get my point of view across.  If you hadn't waited so long to have a baby, we wouldn't be so old!


"I'LL GET HIM!!!!"

Well, even though the moments can be overly helpful.  We can't help but love our Grammies.  They are the most amazing!  Love you guys!

Comic By Bitstrips

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Everything Was Fine Until....

  If you don't know my mom, I'll fill you in.  She always makes things interesting.  She will laugh the loudest, spar the longest, and chase you around with a wooden spoon the quickest.  Basically, she's the female version of the energizer bunny.  Unlike the bunny however, she's probably the most accident prone person I've ever met.  Just the day before her flight we were talking on the phone.

  "I'm trying to pack as much as I can in each suitcase.  You know me.  I can mix and match outfits like a pro as long as I have a few tops and bottoms."
  "Yes, you are creative," I say.
  "I hurt myself though," she says.
  "What?" I say shocked.  (Why I'm shocked, I'll never know.)
  "I was trying to weigh myself and the suitcase on the scale to see how much it weighed and I pulled something."
  "Oh my gosh, mom.  How do you do these things to yourself?  Are you okay?"
  "I'll be fine."

  Then there was last winter.

  "What's up, mom?" I ask picking up my phone.
  "Oh not much," but I fell at work."
  "Oh no, did you slip on the ice?" I ask.
  "No, I tripped over a piece of bubble gum," she says.  (I know it wasn't actually gum, but it was something just as minute.)
  "Well that makes sense," I say.  "Are you alright?"
  "Yeah, I just skinned my elbow and knee," she says in what appears to be a southern accent.
  "I don't know what I'm going to do with you," I tell her.

Then there was my wedding day.

  "My shoes are falling apart!" she screams just moments before the guests start arriving.  My groomsman and I turn back to see my mother in a crying mess on the floor.
 I look down and notice the soles of her shoes peeling off, so there was absolutely no way of salvaging them.
  "How am I going to walk down the aisle with no shoes?" she cries.
  "We will figure it out," I say.  "Barefoot is the new thing.  All the famous people do it."
  "No! I know what these shoes are!  These are dead people's shoes!" she screams.  "They put these shoes on dead people to bury them and then try to resell them!"
  "Mom settle down..." I say.
  "DEAD PEOPLE!" she screams.   
  "How did you get dead peoples shoes?" I ask.
 "I got them at St. Vinny's.  (A Wisconsin thrift store)
  "Hmmm," I say.  "You should have splurged."


So clearly you can see she gets herself into trouble.  Even so, when I picked her up from the airport the last possible thing I expected her to say was:

  "Oh everything was fine, until I fell off the plane."
  It took me a moment to process how someone could possibly fall off a plane, but this was my mother we were talking about.  I was picturing her flying out the window, slamming against the wing as she disappears into the troposphere.

Suddenly I just yell, "How did you fall off the plane?"
  "Well our initial airplane had something wrong with the hydraulics and they made us deplane to catch a new flight.  I was talking to one of the stewards and then he asked a stewardess behind me a question and as a very polite person I always look into the eyes of the people who are talking to me.  As I was looking behind me I fell off the stairs and onto the ground."
  "Dear lord," I say.
  "Yeah, the people behind me were so pissed because all they wanted to do was get on the next plane.  Luckily there was a chiropractor a few people back and he checked me over and I didn't break anything."
  "Well that's good..."
  "Yeah, but then suddenly this ambulance comes roaring down the runway, and I'm in utter shock."
  "An ambulance?"
  "I was mortified.  All I did was hurt my wrist.  It clearly wasn't broken.  Then again I might have been in shock," she says.
  "True, but..."
  "They tell me they can escort me to the hospital if I'd like to be looked over by doctors.  I told them, NO WAY!  I'm going to Florida to see my first grandbaby!  Then suddenly, piƱatas appeared out of the planework and everyone was congratulating me and handing me white wine spritzer and suddenly I was being ushered to first class like I was a celebrity."
  "Wow!  It sounds like a dream come true, well except for the falling part."
  "Yes, but I didn't get hurt that badly, and I got to drink wine and eat roast beef.  They kept my ice bag full, and they gave me those little nice roasted nuts that I love.  I was really hankerin' for some earlier today.  God must have known my heart's desire."
  "He sure did.  I mean it's a pretty good deal in the end.  All you have to do is take a nosedive off a plane and then you get pampered like Queen Latifah."
  "It's all because I didn't complain about it.  I didn't make a big deal of it.  I even offered to sit in my old assigned seat."
  "After they offered you first class?" I ask.
  "Oh heaven's no, do you think I'm an idiot?"

And a couple hours later, we both made it home safely without any complications or accidental tuck and rolling out of the car door.  And Grammy K got to meet her very first grandchild.  It was quite momentous!

  Although, I'm a little afraid of her holding Rory now.  She just informed me today that she tripped over the couch cord and my sandals that were minding their own business in the foyer.  I don't know.  Apparently I have to Grammy proof the house before I baby proof.  Go figure.
Comic By Bitstrips

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Chameleon Baby

  Rory is definitely our little chameleon baby.  His faces change daily and his expressions are so classic because every time we look at him; we are like... "Oh look!  That's Kim's smile.  Oh look that's Josh's pouty face!"  I can't believe how many people he can look like.  Maybe he'll be a shape shifter when he grows up.  That'd be pretty cool if you ask me.  My wife will roll her eyes when she reads this, but hey she married a comic book nerd so what can she really do?

  For fun, here are a few pictures of me as a baby and a few pictures of Rory.  The pictures of Rory aren't a perfect match but they are pretty darn close.  When I see him cry in person, and let's face it, that's hourly.  (I'm being generous.)  He looks EXACTLY like my newborn pictures!!   It's eerie and freaking amazing! 

Oh, how I love the little twerp!   

Isn't it ironic?  Don't you think?
Comic By Bitstrips