My zombie wife rolls out of bed at 4 A.M., picks up the hungry baby from his bassinet, changes his diapers, grabs the bottle from my hand, and gets back into bed, all without even opening her eyes.
"That was a nice trick," I say.
She snorts and growls and feeds the baby.
I pass out before her growl hits its climax.
I wake up when my alarm goes off which seems like only moments later. I hear the shower running and I smile at the sleeping Rory as I walk past him into the master bathroom. Kim stands dead still under the lukewarm streams that pour over her red waves. I try to walk past her into the closeted bathroom before she notices me because she can be a bit screamy when people sneak up on her. I've tried everything too.
If I say "hello" loudly, she screams.
If I say "hello" softly, she screams.
If I say "I'm awake. I'm right here." She screams.
If I stick my face against the shower door and wait for her to notice, she screams. (I do that one on purpose sometimes.)
The point is... she is reactive.
At some point, she screams and gets out of the shower. As I stand there at the door ready to get in, I see a little creeper laying on the floor of the shower, trying to look as innocent as ever. However this guy was showering with my wife. I'm so annoyed. I'm so angry. I'm so.... confused. I bend down to pick up a little white binky which has been soaked with Kim's body wash and excess shower water.
"Umm, why did you shower with a binky? Were you trying to get it clean?"
"I don't know how that got in there," Kim says.
"Umm, that's weird," I say.
After much debate, a heated argument, and a little bit of hair pulling we totally disagree on how the binky got into the shower.
Josh: It's quite obvious to me how it got in there. You grabbed Rory from his bassinet, and you know how his binky always gets stuck in his third chin? Well, it got stuck there, and you were too tired to notice it. You picked him up, fed him and at some point during the feeding, the binky fell from his chins and landed in your ample cleavage.
Kim: Ample cleaveage?
Josh: Well let's be honest, there is enough there for it to get lost in it. Anyway, I will emphasize that you were too tired to notice and when you got into the shower it fell out of its imprisonment and took a shower with you. Hands down. That is how it happened, and I think you deep down believe it too.
Kim: I think it was actually stuck on you, under your jungle of armpit hair.
Josh: Are you forgetting that I found the binky right before I stepped in the shower?
Kim: Let me stress, that you are just as tired as I am these days and just the other day, you tried to go to Aaron Jack and Gina Jo's house twice for bible study in the span of five seconds when we were really supposed to be going to the Von Trapp-Davidson's house. And let's not forget how many times you have seen me get dressed and then wore the same color pattern as I do.
Josh: Like I'm really paying that close attention. Besides you know I'm a cotton medium. These clothes just call out to me and say, put me on!
Kim: You are weird, and also if the binky wasn't stuck on you, then you just planted it there so you could have a funny blog to write about.
So it's your turn to be the Judy. (Judge Judy, if you didn't get that one.) I can't verify anything other than the fact that I am 98 percent sure that the binky was in there before I stepped in the shower. And I didn't stage it. You can't make these kinds of things up.
Comic by Bitstrips